Psychotherapy in Orange County

Dr. Ziai would like to start a discussion about the challenges of having a large age gap with your spouse. Where do you stand on this topic?

Hi Dr. Elham,

I used to think this kind of marital dilemma is only for the traditional minded but it seems to happen quit often in the modern ages too. I would like to hear a discussion about both perspectives: The challenge of being the younger one in a relationship can also be severe. I have witnessed both.

By the way, are you planning on making a trips for seminars to the East coast in 2010?

Dear Taher,

We usually marry to what the relationship offers us and not to the person him/her self! If the relationship translates into feelings of being “ loved” , “wanted” and “important” we may make a mistake of taking it as being in LOVE with the person! The mate makes us feel good about OURSELVES and we love them for it! We feel loved and needed and we’ll consummate the relationship for the hope of having this feelings for the remaining days of our partnership. What goes wary after a while is the flow of these feelings. The cessation of the “lovely comments” becomes the death of the relationship! Partner is no longer the provider of what made us feel good about ourselves and for the first time partners notice each other and what they are all about!

In marriages with a large age gap between couples, the younger mate looks for the parental figure where s/he once felt secure and protected and unconditionally loved; if that in fact ever took place in his/her life. Here again partners fall in love with what the relationship offers them and not with the person they married to. One feels protected and the other feels needed! Once the younger mate no longer NEEDS to feel protected/secure; s/he sees the transactions as intrusive vs. protective….then hell breaks loose! The older mate loses his/her position of providing what got him/her LOVE in the beginning of the relationship, while the younger mate feels violated and “controlled”. Is there a remedy for this….you bet, but that’s for another discussion!

ps

It's good to have you on board with us!

Dear Dr. Elham,

I love your responses  and I do respect your views but in  this case I feel you are being unfair.....you are biased towards our new member...................what id the young spouse of dr. Ziai was the member...? We dont know who this person is but I'm sure this individual has challenges too.....I've seen both: sElfish older spouses and nieve younger ones, give both sides a credit

Taher

Dear Taher,

I was speaking in general and based on the new findings....I was not referring to anyone in any way or shape! Let me assure you that I would never make such judgments about anyone. Research after research points out these findings among many other findings. I will share the rest as the discussion takes shape.

Elham